just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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