A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
3pm strippers are depressing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
