based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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