you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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