Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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