her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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