A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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