Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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