I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
