Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
