Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
