It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
