I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
