I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
