if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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