A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
