Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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