I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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