so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
