Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
should my penis look like a turkey
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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