Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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