You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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