I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
