After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize