I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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