You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
