either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
