I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
