I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
