mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
