I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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