Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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