he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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