i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
