he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize