I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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