everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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