K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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