I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize