Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
