Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
