I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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