I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
