I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
