Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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