So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
