I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
