I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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