I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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