good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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