Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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