I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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