if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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