You can't motorboat a personality
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
