so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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