Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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