I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
