those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My ATM looks so different sober.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
