Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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